Day 290 of 365

July 6, 2018

Warning today is about guns!


I have mixed feelings about today.


The summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school I performed CPR on a gunshot victim. I was 15 years old. I held that man in my arms as he convulsed, choked on his tongue and turned a color of blue that haunted me for years. 


I don't have to imagine what gun violence looks like. I was too young to know much about life or the circumstances around why this man was shot but the incident shaped my relationship with guns.


I graduated with a Police Science degree and part of the program was firearms training. I was very good at shooting but I could never forget the lifelessness of the man I eventually saved. The memory of his blood on my pants, stabilizing his neck as I tried to breathe life into him replays every time I hold a gun in my hand.


I didn't shoot him.


I wasn't in that field when it happened. 


It hasn't stopped the memories.


It's impossible to be in law enforcement and be hesitant to fire a gun. 



On day 290 I took a concealed carry firearms course. 


I want to put this chapter of fear in my past. 


I was fortunate to find an instructor who would come out to my home to teach the me. He is someone pretty special and aside from being a certified firearms instructor he is also a Rabbi.


He pulled up on his motorcycle with a rolling firearms equipment bag strapped to the side. His instruction was dynamic and although I felt comfortable with the material I still can't shake the past.


I completed the course and filed for my card. I'm confortable with that.


Will I carry?


I guess the concealed part of that will just have to stay a mystery for now. 


Day 290


Love & Light

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