Day 279 of 365

June 25, 2018

 

 

I am grateful

 

When I started this personal journey I never thought that I would lose my mom. I didn't think that the relationships with most of the people I love would change. I only looked forward to pushing myself to try new things and to take myself on an adventure that would launch me into the next part of my life.

 

Grief is suffocating. Trying to put on a brave face is exhausting. The worst part is the loss of the voice of reason that my mother always was.

 

As part of this journey I wanted to write to mom. I wanted to put down in words all of the memories that she gave me. My strength and self confidence came from watching her achieve her own successes. I have wished for her council every single day since her death. The void is often larger than I ever thought possible.

 

She was in the hospital for over 120 days. I was there for almost all of them. 

 

On day 279 I wrote the gratitude letter to my mother that was intended for Mother's Day. I wanted to put it on special paper and make it as beautiful as she was. I had huge plans and after her death I wasn't going to write it at all. It seemed silly because she would never read it herself.

 

All of the fun foods that I learned to cook were meant to celebrate my mom with a special meal. In early September of 2017, the week before this adventure began, I made a list of ideas to help me get through the year. One of them was a gratitude letter to mom. She deserved so much more. I wish our last experience together wasn't fighting cancer. 

 

I'm not going to share the letter here. I've already read it to the ether.

 

What feels perfect is that I had all of that time with her at the end of her life. I would do it all again. I hated the hospital. I hated her nursing home. I really hated the lack of compassion in the administrators who managed her care. 

 

But, I loved her and even when she struggled to say it those last days of her life, my heart knew. I know.

 

Day 279

 

Love & Light

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