Day 259 of 365

June 5, 2018

 

Magic presence

 

I've been doing this challenge for 259 days and I've had quite an extreme ride. It feels very much like a roller coaster with amazing highs, lows and the breath taking infinity when you're suspended in between.

 

I heard a song the lyrics are, "I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind." For the last nine months I have tried to be present (remembering the moments) in every new experience and keeping this web page has been an important part of staying in the now.

 

On day 91 my mother was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, an aggressive form of brain cancer. On day 92 she had a craniotomy to remove it.

 

Love kept me present, to be there for her and not run away. 

 

On day 146 I watched as medical professionals radiated my mother's brain. I stayed present. I soothed her face when they were done burning cancer from her body. Every few days I would read my blog posts to her, bringing the outside to her nursing home room. Sometimes she gave a thumbs up, or quirked a grin but always she was listening, present.

 

On day 190 my mother was diagnosed with Influenza B. How does that happen? I had no idea that 24 days later she would be gone. I was present for her and I didn't need any song to encourage me to be.

 

She was the most beautiful woman I have ever loved. 

 

My mother died on day 214 and this 365 day adventure seemed like the most selfish thing I've ever done. Continuing felt and every day still feels impossible. 

 

I buried my mother 36 days ago. When I visit her, and read my posts at the cemetery I am the only one present. It takes every ounce of courage for me to continue. The loss is so big. 

 

On the morning of this day, number 259 I decided to make something to bring a bit of magic back in to my life. I decided to cook a batch of nectar for my hummingbirds. They have not been present since last year.

 

The process is amazingly simple and I don't know why I haven't done this before. 1 part sugar and 4 parts water cooked to boiling. That's it. Did I add red dye? NOPE! From what I have been reading artificial coloring is damaging to the little hummingbirds. That's what prompted the at-home experience.

 

The nectar has cooled and is hanging in the yard. 

 

Do you know how impossible it is to be present for a hummingbird encounter. I've got a few hours of empty feeder videos to prove it. 

 

These beautiful little birds are my reminder to continue to be present. To give myself the time to reorder my days. To be patient and to understand that every measure of love requires bravery.

 

Day 259 I am sticky and I am just being.

 

Love & Light

 

 

 

 

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